Tuesday, September 8, 2009


The following will all happen within my lifetime:
  • The word "whom" will cease to exist, as will the spelling of the word "through" (to be replaced by "thru").
  • The words "they", "them" and "their" will officially be recognized as gender-neutral singular third-person pronouns (ridding us of awkward phrases like "he or she" and "his or her").
  • Theoretical Physicists will finally discover the ultimate theory of everything. Knowing their work to be over, they will attempt to save their jobs by withholding the final draft and publishing false theories in order to fool governments into rewarding more grant money.
  • A monkey sitting at a typewriter will write a bestseller.
  • Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh will both be admitted into mental institutions after being diagnosed with a rare neurological disorder characterized by an inability to discern one's mouth from one's rectum.
  • After a series of major advances in robotics, robots will take over the work of many occupations, including assembly line work, patient care and retail. Unemployment will skyrocket.
  • After a series of major advances in artificial intelligence, robots will gain the ability to design and build other robots. Unemployment will plummet as leagues of unemployed are drafted into the military to battle the robot armies. Will Smith, Christian Bale, and Keanu Reeves will each heroically attempt to save the human race from the brutal robot overlords. They will all fail.
We'll have to see how things work out. Sadly, I won't be recognized as the next Nostradamus until the aliens visit and find this post after the robots have used up all our resources and left the Earth a hollowed shell of a former life-giving planet. You'll just have to trust that what I've said is true.

Also, I've mentioned Glenn Beck in each of the last two posts (twice in this one if you include the monkey bit). I promise to try not to in the next post.

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